


On your birthday you should spend it with someone famous

by ember_alda



Series: Our encounters leave much to be desired [1]
Category: Gintama
Genre: Crossdressing, Gen, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-28
Updated: 2011-12-28
Packaged: 2017-10-28 07:22:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,783
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/305289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ember_alda/pseuds/ember_alda
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Do you come to okama bars often? What the hell would your mother think! She would be disappointed in you Ookuji-kun. I thought I knew you but it seems the years have made us strangers."</p>
            </blockquote>





	On your birthday you should spend it with someone famous

 

"Sougo." Hijikata paused for a moment, unable to speak at the sight before him. "This is an okama bar."

"Happy birthday Toushirou!"

"......"

" _What kind of birthday is this?!_ "

Hijikata couldn't help but thrust a finger, pointing accusingly at the perfumed recesses of the bar revealed inside, through slightly open doors. Brightly colored kimonos and soft, purple and pink muted lighting flowed in the shadowy room fooling the eyes for a (infinitely) split second into believing it was filled with normal women- but beyond that second it was filled with nothing but utter horror. Unshaved legs and blue stubble with square chins and shoulders peeked from the silk sheathes of clothing, making Hijikata instinctively shield his eyes in a moment of weakness. The only redeeming value seemed to be the sake they were serving.

"What's wrong, don't you want to do something special to celebrate your birthday? Kondo gave me a coupon."

A brightly colored piece of paper was waved in front of his face, pink bubble letters forming in front of his eyes saying:

"One night special! The #1 performer in Kabuki-chou Kyoko does her famous fan dance...come to watch a star! Come for the beautiful company too, we will treat you with all our hearts at no extra cost <3 Discounts for birthdays and the elderly(60 yrs+) limited time only, 25% off entrance fee and 30% off all drinks. A special song sung for the participant at a small additional fee."

An incredulous stare greeted Okita's statement, Hijikata's jaw barely keeping closed and the cigarette in his lips nearly falling out his mouth. "Who uses _coupons_ for their _birthday_?!...And what kind of miserly coupon is this anyway? I thought you said that there was something important I had to come look at...you made it sound like you found members of the Joui or something. Either that or it was a plot for you to lure me somewhere and kill me...I see there's still room for the unexpected in my life."

A puzzled look was on Okita's face as he scratched the back of his head in fake chagrin. "Whaaaat? Are you disappointed, Toshi? You should be more thankful and not complain. Kondo said that since he wasn't here for your birthday to take you somewhere special. Since catching Tae-chan on her vacation in Osaka at the beach in a swimsuit was important to our captain, I am here in his stead."

"Somewhere special? Don't you think someone seeing us in there would undermine our image?! I would have appreciated anything more than going to an okama bar- _in the middle of the day_. A fly trap for my room, new sword polish, or even-"

Right then Hijikata felt the large, blunt presence of something at his back. He could feel the pressure of a circular rim being pressed into his uniform, before being quickly shoved closer to the door.

"I am here to honor our captain's responsibility to his subordinates in his stead. This is for all the good of the Shinsengumi."

A huge blast blew from the rocket launcher behind him. Only years of conditioning from dodging and avoiding being shot at saved him as it grazed by the side of Hijikata's coat to crash into the beauty salon next to the bar, showering the street in an explosion wooden splinters.

"The hell you bastard! Why are you carrying around a _rocket launcher_ if we're celebrating a birthday?!"

"Just in case."

A deep sigh came from the pile of wreckage where Hijikata was crouched. The day had been going so well too. A short escorting job for a small time amanto trader, a long lunch break, plus, after returning to Shinsengumi headquarters he didn't once see Yamazaki swing around his racket yelling about his "zone" during sword practice. Okita also hadn't tried to kill him today until now. He was only looking forward to spending the rest of his afternoon maybe trying to repair his extra "summer" uniform that had it's sleeves slashed off, until this.

"Is this some sort of punishment for my past life? Did I cheat on my entrance exams? Was I mooching off of my poor elderly parents while going out drinking and gambling away their money? Did holy Kannon forsake me in this year?"

And answering sigh came from his fellow Shinsengumi member. Okita's dark coat flared as he walked towards the open entrance to the den of iniquity. "I see. This is how much you respect our captain's wishes. You bring shame onto the Shinsengumi. It is now time for you to practice the seppuku you spoke of so many times."

A sword was slowly being drawn out of its sheath as Okita whirled around to deliver the killing blow.

"Oi! Sougo- fine. I'll go to the stupid bar for today." Hijikata dusted off his uniform carefully when he rose; it was the only one he had now that his spare was still sleeveless. It was already too much trouble to resist; he just wanted a nice relaxing day- which was apparently too much to ask for. He paused to look at the painted sign at the entrance one more time before passing through the doors and going in, resigned at the outcome.

"...damn."

Okita quickly surpassed Hijikata once they were both inside, making his way to the far back of the room towards the two tables in the back.

"What did you say? Did you say _damn_ , Sougo? And where are you going- oi! I'm still talking to you-"

Okita approached the biggest of the ladies in the room, the stature of the okama large and heavily set, with the most expensive looking kimono in a wisteria design and silver hair coiffed to perfection. He- er, she, had two other okamas near her pouring sake to an already drunken guest, leaning friendly like on one of his (questionably) female companions.

"Are you Saigo-dono?"

"Eh?" A deep, gravely voice rumbled from the silver haired woman. "New guests? Akohige, please seat these two handsome gentleman at that table! I will come to entertain them when Kurasame-san is ready to go."

Hijikata felt someone manhandle his arm before he turned and glared at Akohige, who, oblivious to his hostility, giggled behind a silk sleeve. Akohige led him to an unoccupied table in the back, pushing his arm down (not so) gently in an indication to sit. "Wait here, our mama will come greet you personally shortly."

A deep, abiding suspicious feeling welled up in Hijikata as he watched Okita whisper to the mama of the establishment, the two of them glancing every so often in his direction. Nodding and an exchange of money between them made him think that perhaps he didn't cheat on his entrance exams. Maybe he'd crushed a former-life's orphan's puppy. Maybe he'd worn a lime green sweater. Maybe he had been peddling child organs to the rich.

"Yo! Akohige, bring me some sake so I can be spend the rest of the time in drunken peace..."

"Of course, Hijikata-san! We will give you the best service we can today with love, since it's your birthday <3"

Okita came to sit next to him after he was done making whatever unholy deal he had made. By that time, Toshi had already drank 4 dishes and was steadily trying to increase that amount exponentially. It was actually soothing since it blurred his vision pleasantly along with the smoke from his cigarette so Akohige didn't look like she had such a noticeable adam's apple and long nose hair.

"Ah, it seems as if Kyoko fell ill today so she isn't here to do a special birthday dance for you."

Maybe Kannon had been giving him a test of courage- this was a surely her mercy! Relief washed over him headily, making his voice slightly shaky. "Oh, that's disappointing Okita...hahaha! Oh well, it's a nice birthday so far anyway. Well, it's getting late, we should head back now-" A deathly vise on his arm gripped him in place before he could rise from the table.

"But it's your birthday, you should celebrate it with someone special to you to remember it by. That is what Kondo-san said."

"Special?" Toushirou was sure just being inside of here was special enough. He took another long sip from his dish. Might as well use the demon coupon for all it was worth.

"Yeah, that's why you need to spend it with a superstar! On your birthday you should spend it with someone famous. According the coupon she's the #1 entertainer of Kabuki-chou. But even though she's sick, you don't need to be disappointed at all. Saigo-dono talked to me and said that her apprentice will be filling in for her."

At these words the lights around them dimmed, slowly focusing on the stage in front. The room was filled with darkness as the soft flash of pink and purple pulsed around the center of the floor. Akohige, at the slight nod from Okita, slowly guided Hijikata up to the front table, where he would sit right before the stage with an up-close look at the performer. The beginning soft twangs of a shamisen floated through the air as Toushirou became a bit dizzy at the sight of the dancing lights in front of the painted screen. A low, disembodied voice from the side announced, "And next, the one night special, Kyoko's famous super-sexy fan dance, performed by... _Paako-chan_!"

The lights all snapped into place, sharply focusing on a shimmering, powder pink kimono resplendent with falling sakura blossoms crossing the chest and sleeves. The trail of floating petals led the eyes to the pale skin exposed smoothly from the arch of a strong throat, and the graceful line of a compact, well corded arm holding a snow white fan indolently in front of Paako's chest.

At prompting from the twang of music, the wrist before Hijikata's eyes snapped the fan open sharply before waving through the air in fast movements crossing and flowing over the kimono's side, sweeping up around the back and pausing to flutter softly at the thigh. The other fan made its way across shaking hips to a red obi, trailing up a silk covered, sleek chest to cover a pouting pink mouth, only exposing hooded fish like eyes swiped with pink eye shadow and puffy, permed hair gathered in girly pigtails.

A steady line of clear sake splashed down the table from the tilted sake dish and into Hijikata's pants. "What- what the hell?!"

The twinging melody played on as Paako shimmied across the stage nonchalantly, fans twirling about semi-gracefully, though slightly out of rhythm, pausing to wave the fan at Hijikata coyly in a flirty fashion. The (obviously) practiced and neutral enthusiasm with which it was done made it slightly less disturbing.

"Is that you, Sakata Gintoki?" Hijikata leaned towards the kimono-clad figure, furiously whispering in disbelief, unaware that it looked like he was leering at the suggestive dance.

Akohige giggled in the background. Ah, such youthful infatuation!

"Gintoki? Who is this Gintoki?" A pause in the melody made Paako twist and hold a pose, both arms making an "s" shape while holding the fans as he whispered back. "I don't know who you're talking about. My name is Kobayashi. You must be mistaken Hijikata."

The music started again and a particularly fast move made Paako's sleeve ride up farther, exposing a smoothly muscled arm up above the elbow and pushing the front of the kimono open a little wider. "Didn't they just announce you as Paako?! How did you know my name if you weren't Gintoki anyway? And why are you even here, have you lost all pride as a _human being_?"

"What was that bastard?!" Gintoki bent down slowly, almost shyly, leaving one foot balanced precariously in the air as the fan in his right hand swept up past his face and back down towards his side, to flutter. While the music twanged even louder, he shot a covert glance over at the mama's table, taking care that she was distracted before whispering loudly, "You know, not everyone has a good life like yours. Sometimes the world isn't so black and white. People need to sacrifice things like pride and dignity when they aren't handed cushy jobs like candy from a tree."

"Trees don't hand out candy. I earn my money working an honest government job, there's no need to lecture me! Do you need money so bad that you resorted to this? You're the one who needs the lecture." Toushirou fumbled out another cigarette from the box inside his coat and started pouring himself another cup of sake from the bottle, the alcohol from before already soaking uncomfortably into his pants. At least the uniforms were black so it wouldn't look like he peed in them.

Gintoki's dance took him prancing towards the vice-captain closer and closer as the song went on, making it easier to whisper conversationally to his customer as he moved across the stage. "Money is the new blood of life. If you have money you can buy a super deluxe, caramel burst, double fudge sundae every week without having to settle for sugar packets at restaurant cafes. Kagura already ate away our last yen buying four months worth of sukonbu! We literally have 1000 yen left between all of us, I don't think a rich man like you would understand such hardship."

Hijikata leaned forwards even more, incredulously. "I had to use a coupon to come here! You should know government jobs don't pay well unless for retirement. And you're doing this here for _sukonbu_?!"

Gintoki paused and gave Hijikata a super sparkly eyed shojo smile at a dramatic rise in music, fluttering his lashes spastically as his fan traced a suggestive track down from the vee of his kimono to his crotch. Hijikata hoped this was because the mama was looking their way during that point of the dance. Akohige giggled again in the corner nearby.

"Are you okay with this? Is this what you want to call living? Are you okay with your _life_?! "

"You can't judge me, even with your coupon. You're rich enough to even be able to use a coupon." Paako wiggled his hips a bit more as he spun around, the cloth of the kimono tightening around his butt a bit before a fan swiftly went around, snapping open to cover that vision. "And what are _you_ doing here anyway? Do you come to okama bars often? What the hell would your mother think! She would be disappointed in you Ookuji-kun. I thought I knew you but it seems the years have made us strangers."

Hijikata scooted closer to the stage to talk more clearly. Even loudly whispering it was difficult to hear. Akohige from the back looked on scandalously as a member of the Shinsengumi seemed to be blatantly staring at the ass of their star performer.

"This has nothing to do with my mother! Have you been listening to too many Otsuu-chan songs?! I'm just here for my birthday..." Hijikata threw the sake dish aside onto his coat, which he'd been drunk enough to take off, deciding to just go for the bottle. "Kondo had some wild idea and gave Sougo this coupon and I had to come here. I would have been fine with some mayonnaise on my yakisoba for lunch...but no, I had to 'spend my birthday with someone special to me.' And my name is not Ookuji, you know what my name is!"

By now the dance was reaching the ending climax, the lights were all muted softly on Gintoki in a rich, flush pink while he was near the edge of the stage, closest to the table Hijikata was seated at. "No one wants mayo for their birthday. No wonder you probably can't get any girls, they don't want someone pathetic like that, Ookuji-kun. Is that why you're here at an okama bar? There is no special girl to be with you today? I see...the trauma of rejection has turned you to hire men..."

Hijikata watched dazedly as Gintoki coyly drew back a little before whirling in a magnificent twirl, unable to furiously whisper his reply when the other was that far away. Paako's silk sleeves were pushed up and fluttering around him teasingly as he moved. The opening of his kimono slipped a bit to expose the round of a firm shoulder, sweat from dancing under hot lights dewing the hollow of his throat, sparkling in the colored lights before he came to a sudden stop right in front of the table.

Akohige gasped at the brazen display up in the front, couldn't they be more discreet? The sparks of passion were so obvious it was embarrassing.

"What the hell you ass, aren't you just assuming things without any evidence? I- I get plenty of numbers from tons of cute girls a day! They just don't appreciate me for who I really am. That is the type of person who would be special. And that is most important in this era when kids are all about superficial things like cool haircuts and platform shoes."

Gintoki leaned down from the stage, the bright yellow lights forming a halo around his body as he closed in on Hijikata, his face close and inches away from the vice-captian's eyes. To those watching behind them the intimacy of both their positions seemed incredibly blatant. Obliviously, from behind the white fan poised at his tinted lips, half-hooded fish eyes stared pointedly into Toushirou's own slightly unfocused ones, "Well, I guess this means it's my responsibility to tell you happy birthday then."

There was a small pause when the music died and the lights faded out slowly, as Hijikata blinked for a moment at that surprising statement, before jerking his head aside. "Tch. Who wants to hear something like that from an okama?"

Still leaning forward, Gintoki rummaged around in the sleeves of his kimono for the microphone to sing the special song for coupon users. The natural curl of his silver hair fell and wrapped around the large, reflective disc of a gold earring as he slid off stage to the opposite side of the small table Hijikata was seated at.

The sound of a waitresses voice rang out puzzled. "Eh? Where were you keeping something like that-"

Even when drunk off his ass Hijikata had fast reflexes as he caught the sight of something moving in the reflection of the earring. Quickly jerking Gintoki down by the front of his kimono on top of him, they crashed down into the floor. Toushirou heard the whir of four arrows in succession fly above and pierce the painted screens on stage with a loud twang where the both of them would have been.

Twisting his head around underneath the heavy weight of Paako's chest, Hijikata caught sight of Okita lowering a 150 lb. pull, fast action crossbow from his stance.

"Eh? I thought he'd be distracted by the lure of the sexy fan dance."

"Sougo! What the fuck?!" Hijikata tried to struggle upwards again, but Gintoki was straddling his supine form, unmoving in shock, looking horrified at the (expensive looking) microphone in his hand.

Small mumbles of denial floated from above Hijikata. "This isn't broken. This isn't broken. I don't have to pay this back...mommy, help me find our time-machine and go back to those happy times when you made fried rice from scratch-"

A loud, rasped voice sang out from mama's corner, "Whaaaat? Paako, you didn't break any equipment did you? Those electronics cost a lot of money."

"Get off me!" Toushirou tried to rise again, smacking Gintoki in the face a couple of times before jerking his head back towards his teammate. "You already brought along a rocket launcher, why do you have a crossbow too?!"

"I thought we might need it in case of an attack. Some of Paako's hair fell on your shoulder. I was only trying to get it off."

Said Paako-chan was starting to snap out of it from the slaps he'd received from the person beneath him. From the darkened table behind them Saigo-dono rose, gathering the sleeves of the plum kimono about him, eyes glowing from the shadows on his face as he stalked towards Gintoki, who was clicking the microphone on and off frantically.

Hijikata and Gintoki both tilted their heads up slowly as a dark shadow loomed above them both, the incredibly large leg and foot of Saigo shuffling forwards ominously. "You know...that equipment cost more then your daily salary can pay."

"W-wait! Look, it still works fine. 'When you turn older one more year, memories of how you wasted your time waiting in the dentist's office comes baaack to you. Spend this one more wisely-'" As he started singing the lyrics of the song Gintoki tried unsuccessfully to throw his voice like a ventriloquist, only ending up pursing his lips like a broken fish.

At this, Hijikata decided to run before something happened to him while the mama tried to punish his employee. "Yarrraaaaaagh!"

When the foot was about to descend and kick a pink clad Paako-chan, Hijikata manfully tried to rise from below. While still frozen in horror, Gintoki was easily pushed off, making Hijikata overbalance and fall on top of him while he ducked the sweeping leg from above, smashing his head against the man below him.

Their lips came in contact for one brief, still moment, brushing by each other negligently in a small accidental kiss.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!"

"Waraahhhhhhhhhhh!!"

The brief scramble apart was lightning fast as they both coughed and spluttered, clawing their hearts as if they had too much cholesterol and clutching their throats trying to spit. Saigo-dono had stopped his rampage in a small moment of shock.

" _Ptuh_! Ptuh, ugh, er-"

" _Puh_! Pptah, urg, ugh-"

Hijikata tried to remind himself of what mayonnaise tasted like, that Sougo and Kondo were going to die mysteriously in their sleep tomorrow, that he wasn't being infected by the air inside the okama bar-

Gintoki tried to remind himself of what strawberry parfaits tasted like, that Kagura could always be sold into child labor, that he hadn't been working here long enough to be infected by the air inside the okama bar-

From behind them Okita shrugged his crossbow into the sheath slung on his back, looking at the coupon in his hand forlornly. "Hmm, I guess since the microphone's broken you don't get a birthday song."

Hijikata regretted ever thinking that coming to the bar might not have been such a bad way to spend his birthday.

 

THE END

 

**Author's Note:**

> This was a part of my abandoned Hijikata x Gintoki 30 kisses challenge on LJ. It was theme #7, "superstar". So of course my mind goes straight to that part where Gintoki is performing as an okama XD


End file.
